SYGAS: How to Tip, and Why You’re Tipping at Restaurants.

10 04 2011

In a response to an AWFUL blog, asking people whether or not they tip in restuarants, I’m here to explain to you all the basics of tipping, and why it’s important.  When you go to a restaurant, very rarely are you paying only for the food, and the cost of labor from the kitchen staff.  If that were so, every restaurant in the country would have a drive through, and you would have horribly plated food in Styrofoam containers.

Diem Presents… Since You Guys Are Stupid:
How to Tip, and Why You’re Tipping at Restaurants.

The kitchen is the heart of the restaurant.  The heart has a very basic, but amazingly important function:  To pump blood throughout your body.  But, if there is no body, then what the **** is the point?

Management is the brain.  They figure out and tell the rest of the body what the hell to do to keep itself satisfied.  In the case of restaurants, they’re keeping the customers happy, the staff happy, and making sure the place is running in tip-top shape.

But what about the rest of the body?  The aesthetics and atmosphere of restaurants is why people keep coming back.  For instance, there is an AMAZING restaurant called Kicky’s fairly close to my house.  While the food is godlike for the prices, the staff is comprised of a bunch of incompetent shlongs, and even though the prices were great, you won’t be a returning customer.  (Unless you’re a masochist.)  We are always treated second class, as the servers and chat with each other and point at customers, while we wait for our meals and maybe an offer of another round of drinks.  It’s awkward, and off putting.

Whereas, a place near my house called the Pine Tavern is the opposite.  The food is… Decent.  But the wait staff is always amazingly helpful and seemingly happy to be there.  The whole experience is amplified by the energy and attitude your servers are putting forth.

If you didn’t tip, then that cost would go into a waitress’s salary/hourly. Then the “food” you mongrels consume would be the same price you should be paying now, but without the benefit or your server vying to please you. (I use the term food loosely, since you’re all accustomed to eating slop like Friday’s and goddamned Chinese Buffets.)

Also, by not tipping, you may think you’re only ****ing one person out of a few bucks. In actuality, most restaurants pool tips between servers, the bus staff, runners, etc. So you’re hurting a lot of people, and perhaps even your waiter/ress’s rapport with the rest of their co workers.

It is American custom that you tip 15% on all meals in which you are sat and served. In my opinion, that is an extremely dated custom, and no less than 20% should be given for service. 15% should be the minimum for adequate service, and even then, I would only tip such a small amount if I was ignored as a customer by the WAIT STAFF. Poorly prepared or poorly dressed food is the kitchen’s fault, and that should be taken up with management.

Most of what I’ve stated is FACT, not opinion. If you disagree, you are wrong. (and probably a virgin.)

Now, opinion time:

Some people think by leaving no tip, you’re teaching the restaurant a lesson. All it’s really saying to them is that you’re cheap. (or Foreign.) By leaving no tip, all you’re really doing is ****ing a hard working waiter out of his or her pay, when most of the time, it’s the kitchen’s fault for your food being cold, or the kitchen might be slammed due to poor management, meaning your waiter might HAVE to ignore you, to give you the same treatment his/her other customers are getting.

RULE OF THUMB: YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LEAVE A TIP UNLESS YOU ALSO PLAN ON NOT PAYING THE BILL. EVEN THEN, YOU SHOULD STILL MAYBE LEAVE SOMETHING IF YOUR WAITER TRIED TO HELP. 

By leaving a ****ty tip, like 10%, and giving management notice that you had a horrible evening, they will probably comp most of the bill, and truly try and find the remedy to your complaints.

Some people even suggest saving your complaints for a phone call during maybe a lunch service if you were eating there during a very busy time.  The management was probably overwhelmed during dinner service, and by calling to complain at a less busy time, he’ll be more likely to show you the time and respect you deserve as a customer.  See, one bad review can BURY a restaurant.  If an eatery knows you’ve had a bad time, they will do what they can to try and make you change your mind.  It’s just like seeing a band live:  They can normally be amazing, but they could have had ONE bad night, and unfortunately, that was the night you chose to go.

So, don’t be so hard on your waiter.  While you think you’re doing something noble, or right by not tipping, the only point you’re really proving is that you’re a jerk.  No girl is gonna think you’re a badass by not tipping.  In fact, if you’re (ever) on a date and you why and pull that nonsense, the only thing she’s gonna think is that you’re cheap, grimy, and staying a virgin.

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